Displacement, part 5

Dear Lily,

Today, I announced with little fanfare that I had always been the great pretender. For years, the apparent skill and talent with which I carried out my tasks had been adequate, and brought upon some attention to the work. Maybe I was capable enough, maybe I fooled them long enough. Whatever it all had been, a line had finally been crossed. Because there under the bright spotlights I’d been dodging for so long, I stopped borrowing against time and my version of the truth. Over the course of losing myself, in the hopes of reaching what we in our community would expect fully to achieve, I had in turn finally found what I’d been searching – the inexplicable and irrational need to find myself in a useful place, to find out what’d been quietly hiding behind the looking glass.

So, I stood in front of a sold-out crowd and voiced aloud my new brand of certainty, something new to sell to the investors. As I stepped down from the stage and proceeded out of the hall, the long standing ache rattled one last time over the bars and cages, the echoes stretched past imagining, well beyond lost years.

It must have been because I was very tired. I’m also positive the claim I’d just made was merely lazy, and I would soon be found out as a fine example of modern living.

See you soon,

— 2009 October 5


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